Thanks to the media, most of us tend to believe that wanting more sex—within limits, of course—is normal and healthy, while wanting less is downright pathological. As a result, the lower-desire partner in a couple with desire differences is usually identified as the partner with the problem.

However, the higher-desire partner may experience as many—and sometimes more—problems. Higher-desire partners are frequently plagued by feelings of inadequacy and failure. They may even consider themselves "sick" or "indecent" for wanting more sex than they are getting. They certainly devote more time and energy to worrying about and desperately trying to fix the problem—often to the point of obsession. And of course, there's always the question of why these men and women go right on pushing and pressuring partners who have clearly signaled their lack of interest, as well as why individuals who react so strongly to rejection continue to set themselves up to be rejected.

The truth of the matter is that neither one is the villain on whom all the blame can be heaped. Neither one is an innocent bystander either. Two people participate in conflicts over sexual desire, and sexual desire problems themselves leave two victims in their wake.