In nonsexual situations as well as sexual ones, people who have strong, clearly defined ideas about how other people should behave tend to become outraged when those people behave in some other way. For instance, the higher-desire husband in one couple we treated bitterly complained that "I only get no for an answer. 'No, I'm tired.' 'No, it's a bad time of the month.' 'No, because the kids might wake up.' Even when she says yes, I feel like she's thinking, 'Well, I've turned him down twelve times in a row, so I guess I'll throw him a crumb tonight and let him make love to me.' Do you know that in all the years we've been married, she never once made the first move!"

"You never give me the chance," his wife retorted angrily. "If I didn't say no once in a while, we'd be having sex every day, morning, noon, and night. If I say I'm tired, I really am. And if I'm not in the mood, I'm not. But does he care how I feel? Of course, not. Sex is for him. It's all about his needs and his urges. I don't matter. I'm just a means to an end. It makes me so mad. Even when I might actually want to have sex, I don't do it because I don't want to give him the satisfaction."

These angry words and bitter, resentful feelings are typical of the emotional fallout from the constant tug-of-war between partners with desire differences. In addition to the persist-resist battle that Barbara and Dan's story so clearly illustrates, both partners inflict and sustain various war wounds. Lower-desire partners are often left feeling sexually inadequate and guilty, while at the same time resenting their partners' demands and insensitivity. Higher-desire partners may feel deprived of sexual pleasure and guilty about having sexual needs and urges at all. Often, higher-desire partners feel personally rejected. Even when lower-desire partners insist that they simply aren't interested in sex, their spouses or lovers believe what they want, sometimes even badgering the lower-desire partner into confessing that "yes, it is about you. I don't want to have sex with you."

As the conflict continues, both partners may begin to withdraw emotionally as well as physically. To avoid giving the impression that they are making sexual overtures, lower-desire partners may not want to show warmth or affection of any kind. Hurt and angry, higher-desire partners get back by withdrawing emotional support. These couples communicate less and less, and expressions of intimate or loving feelings become fewer and farther between. Not only their sex lives, but ultimately their relationships deteriorate.